Drunken Sailor Moon
by Reader458
Summary: From the Senshi operating manual: …Do not expose your Senshi to alcohol. We are not liable or responsible for any damage, uncomfortable situations or uncovered truths that may occur it this advice is not followed. Update Now a two-shot.
1. Chapter 1

I'm not really sure how I should describe this one. I got the idea for it after seeing Kim Samsons (aka Maqqy96) picture Drunken Sailor Moon, and getting a flashback to one rather memorable Power Rangers episode. And as I am in the mood for some fun, I hereby present the crack-fic Drunken Sailor Moon.  
>Oh, and as it is a crack-fic I have suspended continuity, 'kay? ^_^<p>

Four fifths of the Inner Senshi were currently battling a contingent of youma in a park near the center of the Juuban district. As they were outnumbered and too crowded to unleash their strongest attacks, they were barely holding their own.

"Where is Moon," Sailor Mars shouted while dodging under a swipe from the youma behind her, narrowly escaping its claws.

"She should be here any minute now," Mercury answered. "She sounded as if I woke her up with my call."

Suddenly the ground underneath them exploded, sending them and their enemies sprawling. A shout of "Take that!" drew their attention to a nearby rooftop. What they saw made them rub their eyes to make sure they weren't seeing things. Sailor Moon had finally joined them, but their friend was looking rather dishelved. The rosette on her chest was uneven, her left boot not buckled properly, and one of her braids was nearly undone, strands flying every which way. In her left hand was a bottle that she just finished taking a celebratory swig out of. Wiping her mouth with a rather stained glove, she turned her attention back to the scene below her.

"You bastardsh should pay attention to my entrancesh! Do you have any ideash how hard I *hic* have to train to make them look good?" She took another swig out of her bottle before peering intently at it. "And now I'm out of sake too." She tossed the empty bottle behind her, its crash sounding unnaturally loud in the silence after her declaration.

"Now where wash I? Oh yesh. Ahem. Saturday nightsh are for having fun, not for fightingsh. In the name of the MOON!" Here she stumblingly took a pose. "I shall KICK ASSH!"

After finishing her speech she jumped off the building. Halfway through the speech the youmas limited intelligence had enough and their fighting instincts had set them on a charge against their new foe. Just as Sailor Moon landed, the first youma's fist closed in on her. It would have been a hit if not for the inebriated blond's legs buckling under her. As it was, the claws passed right over her head.

To catch her balance, she flailed out with her right hand, connecting solidly with the youmas groin. The monstrosity went down with a howl, curling up in a ball. The force of the punch sent Moon tilting backwards, making her plant her hands on the ground in a rather gymnastic move. This had the benefit of making a small youma that had decided to jump her sail right over her and plant its head into a metal fencepost with a clang.

While the blond was flexible, her new position strained her back into pain. Instinctively she kicked out with her legs to relieve it and managed to plant them right in the stomach of another youma. This youma went down puking, and Moon was sent into a tumble. To get out of it she spread her legs wide and spun to get rid of the momentum. Her boots crashed into the heads of two youma that had flanked her and knocked their lights out.

The sudden stop robbed the last of her balance and she threw her legs back, pushing off from the ground with her hands. With a graceful half-vault, she ended standing up, only to crush the nose of another youma with the jewel on her forehead. The youma's roar of pain ended when the annoyed blond's fist finished the nose-job.

"Fuck OFF!"

Again her impaired balance couldn't handle the force of the blow, and she had to take a step back. She had also been cocking her arm back for another blow and the whole movement sent her elbow crashing into the jaw of a youma that had circled to attack her from behind. A spray of teeth followed the monster down to the ground.

As she whirled around to see what she hit, she whipped out her scepter with a bit more flourish than usual. Its arc ended abruptly in the throat of another youma, sending it to the ground gagging and coughing.

In the distance, shouts of Shabon Spray and other attacks signified that the other Inners had shaken off their surprise and rejoined the fight. A sudden roar drew Moon's attention to the biggest of the youma that was now barreling towards her. Poking her tongue out of the corner of her mouth she took careful, if swaying, aim and let loose with her second magical attack of the fight.

"Moon Healing Escalation!"

The youma disintegrated with a rather undignified girlish scream, accentuated by the sudden silence. Moon looked around for more enemies, but the only movement to be seen was the inner senshi running towards her. Relaxing, which meant that her swaying increased, she hauled out a hip flask and took a swig.

"Hi girlsh!"

"You're DRUNK!" Mars, not a calm person at the best of times, ended her statement in a screech.

"Yeah! *hic* It's aweshome."

From the back Venus piped up. "She's as drunk as a General!"

"How'sh did you know I wash drinking with the Generalsh?"

The others had been turning to correct Venus when Moon's exclamation brought them up short.

"You were drinking with the GENERALS?" Again it was Mars who found her voice first, and she reached new heights with her screech. Moon winced slightly and stumbled over to the irate girl.

"Shhhure!" Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, Moon almost toppled her with another unbalanced step. "I shtumbled into them on a rooftop, and they invited'sh me for a drink. *Hic* They're really nicshe when they aren't trying to kill you."

Mars recoiled from the strong smell of alcohol that clung to the blond. "God, how long have you been drinking Moon?"

Moon squinted her eyes in thought. "Sinche lasht night!" she finally said, nodding decisively.

"Last..?" Mars couldn't even finish her question, instead just staring at the girl incredulously.

"Yep! *Hic* They had a really big stash of liko..liqou, of booze."

"Guys," Mercury chimed in, "she is on the verge of alcohol poisoning."

"*Hic!* Wash that what put the Generalsh to sleep? Kunzite fell ashleep at noon already, but Jadeite hung on the longest. He went down jusht three hoursh ago. I'sh been drinking alone shinshe then. I'llsh take a nap now though. Nighzzzz."

Mars barely reacted in time to catch the blond before she crumpled to the ground, ending up with pressing the blond against her to keep her up.

"Mercury, you mentioned alcohol poisoning. Do we need to take her to the hospital?" Venus stepped up to her place as the second in command. Mars shifted her grip on Moon and bent down to pick her up, ending up with her bridal style.

"No, that wouldn't be a good idea. Her transformation is keeping her out of danger, and we would need to take her out of it while the doctors watched to get help fast enough. Not to mention that it would raise a LOT of questions."

Everyone studiously ignored how Moon snuggled closer to Mars and buried her face in the crook of her neck.

"Okay. Mars, you better take her to the jinja. She can sleep undisturbed there. Jupiter, you go there too and make sure that she gets everything she needs to get through the hangover tomorrow. On second thought, we all go there. That way we can say we had a sleepover, and Mercury can keep an eye on Moon's vitals."

"Hai!" the other girls chorused before they left the battle scene. And if Mars wasn't keeping the pace quite as fast as you would expect her to, well, nobody paid any attention to that either.

GAH! Get off, get off, getoff! *Shakes leg franticly* Damn plotbunny is a clingy bastard. I didn't mean for it to be a Moon/Mars ship, but the dang thing sneaked up on me. I won't promise anything, but I have the feeling there will be a sequel to this fic. Also, big thanks to Purrpickle for her invaluable help.


	2. Drunken Sailor Moon: The Morning After

Well, whadda ya know. Here is a second part. That makes this story my first two-parter. *Throws confetti*  
>Thanks to Pax Humana for beta work, and to purrpickle, Squirrel holding a Bazooka and TheKueken for help and ideas.<br>Please review, so I get to know how you liked it. The statistics doesn't tell me if you read it or only glanced at it. :)

Drunken Sailor Moon: The Morning After

Jadeite woke up with a groan. Immediately he wished to return to that blessed unconsciousness and get away from the feeling of having an ice-pike driven into his brain. Fighting down the feeling of nausea he slowly raised his head and opened his eyes. Wincing when the sunlight stung them, he had to open and close them slowly a couple of times to clear his sight.

The room he was in looked like a battlefield. There was a broken coffee table and two recliners were on their backs. There were bottles everywhere, some whole but most of them broken. Kunzite was sitting against a wall, head in his hands and arms resting on his knees. He was rocking slowly, whimpering in pain.

On the floor to the left was Nephrite, lying beside a puddle of (presumably his) vomit. Fortunately he was on his stomach and still breathing. Zoisite sat in the only still upright recliner, looking pale as a sheet. He was also slowly looking around the room, but it was doubtful if his glassy eyes were working at the moment.

"What the hell happened?" Jadeite croaked out through a desert-dry mouth.

"Not so _loud,_" Kunzite moaned.

Zoisite turned his head in Jadeites general direction, clearly showing that his eyes didn't work properly. "The last thing I remember is Moon landing on the roof beside ours and you inviting her for a drink."

"Oh," Jadeite said, laying his head down, only to whip it back up as the words made it through his fogged up brain. "WHAT? Ow ow ow."

"Please, not so loud," Kunzite moaned again, fingers digging into his scalp.

"How the hell did we think it was a good idea to invite her?" Jadeite hissed out.

"Must have been that we were three sheets to the wind at the time."

Jadeite carefully, VERY carefully, stood up from the couch, looking around the room. "Well, she doesn't seem to be here, must have left after a while."

"Not after a while," Kunzite whispered out. "She was still here when I passed out, and then we had been going all night and well into the day. Ow. She drank really well; she even matched Nephrite in chugging."

Jadeite, who had whipped his head around when he heard Kunzite, was now desperately trying to keep his stomach down. "That isn't possible; she's just a slip of a girl. Bleargh! I'll go and take painkillers, water and a shower, and hopefully you will make more sense when I get back."

DSM:TMA

At the Hikawa jinja there were also four bodies spread around a room. Here they were peacefully asleep though, but they wouldn't be for long. Rei was the first to wake up, squinting a little against the sunlight streaming into the room. Looking around she spotted Ami, Minako and Makoto sleeping, but the futon where Usagi had been resting was empty.

Sitting up and stretching she looked around the room again, trying to find the girl. She wasn't too worried; Ami had noted a steady decrease in the blonde's alcohol levels. When they had fallen asleep somewhere in the very early morning, she had been well enough that they could have had her come out of her transformed state, if she had been awake of course.

Standing up she brushed against a manga book resting on a chair beside her, and it fell to the floor. The sound was loud enough to wake the other three girls, who looked up blearily at a sheepish Rei.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"No, *yawn* worry." Makoto assured.

"Where is Usagi?" Ami asked when she went to check on the blond and found the bed empty.

"I don't know, she was gone when I woke up."

"Then we better go find her. She can't feel very good right now."

Just as Minako had stopped speaking the door was flung open.

"Good Morning, girls!" Usagi chirped out, looking as healthy and happy as she ever had. She was also dressed in an immaculate blouse and shirt combo. "I hope you slept as well as I did," she continued in the same chipper tone.

The other girls were staring slack jawed at the bubbly blond. It was Makoto who found her voice first:

"Why aren't you a whimpering wreck?"

"Why should I be?" Usagi asked, head tilted curiously.

"Usagi," Ami said softly, "you were on the verge of alcohol poisoning last night. Even an experienced drinker would have a hangover after that."

"Oh. Well, I have never felt better. I'm hungry though."

"Of course SHE didn't have to suffer through a hangover." Makoto blushed beet red when she realized she had said that out loud. "I better start making breakfast then."

"Yay breakfast!" Usagi cheered, dancing out of the doorway and towards the kitchen.

Makoto hurried after her, keeping her head down in embarrassment. Ami, Minako and Rei shared an amused glance before gathering their things and heading to the bathroom.

DSM:TMA

Jadeite returned to the living room carrying three glasses of water and a handful of painkillers. He was feeling much better, though the headache was still there, and he was feeling sluggish. But now he could at least move without risking to empty his stomach. His memory had also started returning while he was in the shower, and he could now remember some of the day before. Days before, he corrected himself. Of course, Sailor Moon would stumble on them as they were just getting good and sloshed. She had been so surprised to see them sitting at the roof terrace drinking that she hadn't made any move against them.

And he, not wanting to end their break from fighting so early, had the stupid idea to invite her for a drink. When she had followed Nephrite's example in how to drink, namely tossing back a full glass without breathing, and didn't as much as clear her throat afterwards, it had degenerated into a drinking contest.

With five people drinking all they could, the amount of bottles they had taken up with them soon ran out. At that point they stumbled inside and down to the rented apartment and continued the drinking there. He had a dim memory of them meeting an old lady in the corridor that had sniffed in disdain and muttered about 'young girls getting worse and worse dressed'.

Shaking himself out of the memories he pushed the door to the living room open. Kunzite was still sitting miserably against the wall, but Zoisite had gotten out of the recliner and was in the process of waking Nephrite. Walking over and kneeling beside Kunzite, he held one of the glasses in front of him.

"Here, take some painkillers."

Kunzite blindly grasped after the offered items, and as soon as he had both he made short work of swallowing the pills down and returning to his former position. Jadeite got up and gave Zoisite and the now awake Nephrite their share of the pills. Then he left them waiting for the drugs to do their work and went to the kitchen to make breakfast. He absently wondered if Moon was feeling as bad as they did.

DSM:TMA

When Ami, Minako and Rei stepped into the kitchen they found Makoto putting the last touches to the morning meal and Usagi snagging pieces whenever she could. Sitting down around the table, the girls waited for Makoto to get done. Rei smacked Usagi's hand the next time she stretched for another piece.

"Rei!" the golden haired girl protested.

"You will just have to wait like the rest of us."

"Wha! Rei is so mean to me!"

Rei turned to snap at the girl, but caught sight of a mischievous glint in her eyes so instead she settled for sticking her tongue out.

"No fighting at the table children," Makoto joked as she sat down at the table.

"But mooooom," Usagi whined, before breaking out in laughter, soon followed by the others.

"So, what happened last night?" Ami asked, not able to hold her curiosity any longer.

DSM:TMA

Jadeite was lifting the bacon out of the skillet when he heard shuffling feet entering the kitchen. Looking over he saw Kunzite dropping down into a chair and as he turned back he heard the other two coming in too. Taking the now full plate of bacon he walked over to the table and sat down in the last chair.

They weren't any strangers to hangovers, and had developed their own preferences for what to have during one. Zoisite and he both wanted greasy food, bacon and sausages. Kunzite wanted coffee, rice and chicken. Nephrite just wanted water and crackers or white bread.

Listening to the others gingerly digging in, he thought about the cause of this epic bender. He still couldn't understand that this slip of a girl had managed to out drink all of them. He remembered most of the past days now, even if some parts were hazier then others.

It had been plain to see that the girl had not been used to drinking when he invited her. He doubted she even fully understood what it meant. It had taken some persuasion to make her accept her first drink, and by then Nephrite had had gotten impatient and swept his own. Moon had followed his example, and all of them had waited for her to start coughing.

Only, she didn't. She didn't as much as clear her throat.

They had stared slack jawed at her for a moment, before Nephrite dove for the strongest bottle they had with them. After that, things degenerated quickly.

DSM:TMA

The girls were paying rapt attention to what Usagi told them about the days before. They had a hard time reconciling the harsh enemy they were fighting with the image of laid back party animals. Rei was the most affected by the story though. Her back was tense, and only the fact that Usagi was sitting beside her, safe and sound, enabled her to keep her composure.

They were also either amazed or appalled at the amounts of booze the girl described drinking. Ami just kept shaking her head and muttering "that's just not possible," repeatedly. Minako was in full hero worship mode, internally vowing to make sure to join Usagi on her patrols from now on, so she could join such parties too.

DSM:TMA

Jadeite was shaken out of his musings as he heard Nephrite vowing to manage to out drink the girl next time. He could only stare in horror, the mere thought bringing back his hangover.

DSM:TMA

After breakfast, the girls split up. Minako and Makoto left together, as they were going in the same direction. Ami made a last scan of Usagi with the Mercury Computer, making sure that there weren't any lingering effects.

Ordering Usagi to clean up the bedroom, Rei followed the blunette to the door, milking her for any reassurances about the princess' health. Ami hid an indulgent smile as she eased the fiery girl's concerns.

Seeing Ami disappearing down the stairs, Rei closed the door and let out her breath in a long exhale. Finally able to relax, the stress caught up with her. She had kept it at arm's length before; not wanting to expose to the others how much Usagi's predicament affected her.

Taking a couple of deep breaths she centered herself as well as she could before she turned and went to catch the blond for a stern talking to.

She didn't have to go far to find the object of her concerns. In fact, turning a corner she walked right into her. She managed to catch the clumsy blond before she fell and hurt herself, gripping her by the upper arms. The spike of adrenalin shattered her forced calm, her frayed nerves snapping under the pressure.

Changing her grip so she held the blonde's shoulders, she moved her firmly but gently until she had her back against the wall. Usagi's eyes were wide and firmly fixed on her friend's face.

"Usagi, you have to promise me not to do something like that again," said Rei, her tone much more pleading than she had planned. She watched as Usagi's expression turned alarmed.

"Rei," the blond breathed out.

"Please Usagi." Rei couldn't stop the breakdown once it started. All the bad things that could happen to a drunken girl raced through her head, the images overlaying the face in front of her, each worse than the last.

Then all of a sudden, the images were swept away by warm soft hands cradling her face. Her heart all but stopped from seeing Usagi's eyes so close, filled with concern.

"I'm sorry Rei."

Usagi pulled the black-haired girl into a tight hug and Rei melted against her, closed her eyes and relaxed. Held like this, with the blonde's calming presence, it felt like everything would be alright. She vowed yet again that anything wanting to hurt her princess would do so only over her cold lifeless body.

AN: Pheew, that took a long time to write. My muse is a finicky creature, and lately she has only been by to drop off plot bunnies for Harry Potter before vanishing again. And when I finally reached the end of the story, I all of a sudden had two endings to choose from. After great deliberation I chose the one above, feeling that it fit better with the feeling of the story. I have included the other one as an omake below.

Omake DSM:TMA

Then all of a sudden the images were swept away by warm soft hands cradling her face. Her heart all but stopped from seeing Usagi's eyes so close, filled with concern.

"I'm sorry Rei."

Rei couldn't help herself, and closed the distance and pressed their lips together. The whole world fell away from her consciousness, and everything that existed was those soft lips. The bliss of that contact was magnified a hundredfold when those same lips moved to kiss her back.

Moaning in the back of her throat, Rei slid her right hand up to tangle in the blonde's locks, while her left applied pressure to the girl's back. With two firm points of hold she deepened the kiss, sending her tongue out to explore uncharted territory. Soon two tongues were involved in a fast and intimate dance, to the beat of thundering hearts.

Things would never be the same, and no one was going to wish it were.


End file.
